and i feel fucking great
i havent been going to classes. or doing any homework or essays or projects or anything for my art class. im falling so fucking behind and i just dont even give a fuck. im losing so many fucking friends, but ooh look at that… i dont give a fuck. i have zero patience or energy to do ANYTHING anymore and its nights like these where i want to take out my box of old letters, listen to sad music, cry and pity myself. fuck this.
i cant wait to move out of this stupid fucking place in august
fuck
i wonder who actually reads my text posts. probably more people than i think. or maybe no one at all. it’s okay, though. i don’t really mind either way. i’m lying in bed listening to moshi moshi and my hedgehog is running on his wheel. over and over. and over. acrylic paint stains my hands and a smear of black runs down my left arm. ironic, in my mind. i’ve been trying to stick to my resolutions. i have to. i’ve also been trying to “find who i am” again. i really did lose myself, along with losing many valued friendships and trust that goes with it. lonely. miserable. but not sad. im not happy, nor am i sad. i’m hopeful. i think things will get better soon. especially when i get to leave here. there is no way i can live here and keep the ounce of sanity that i have left. i wish people didn’t give up on me so easily. or maybe they were trying for a long time, and i just didn’t notice. or maybe i just didn’t care to notice.
goodnight
-stop stop stop stop talking about him. it’s not helping anything.
-gym 3 times a week
-dont eat fast food…. ever. legit.
-try to stop smoking (i said try)
-stop complaining so fucking much
-read more books
-see how long i can go without talking badly about someone that i don’t like
lets see what else i can add to this….
Drops Of Jupiter fucking comes on itunes. everything fucking sucks. i want to finish fucking applying to colleges already but i cant fucking do it on my own. i want to leave here. fuck long island and fuck you. fuck this town. everything here fucking sucks. you suck. your block sucks. your job sucks. everywhere i drive reminds me of you and how much you fucking suck
god fucking dammit
i haven’t really thought about you in a while. i mean, i think of you every day but i don’t really think. things bring you to my mind, but i never sit down and really think about us or the past anymore. tonight, my friend brought back all of those old thoughts i had every day. it really hit me hard and i don’t know how i feel anymore. i was happy for so long it feels like now, and once he started saying certain things, i remembered all of the old feelings and memories and everything. i was overwhelmed with nostalgia and sadness that i actually cried about you again. i felt so weak and pathetic. im seeing Brand New later today, and i know im gonna be an emotional wreck for that. i miss when you were in my life, but at the same time i dont. i dont know how i feel anymore or what i want. i’ve been hooking up with other people and my mind hasn’t been focused on you for once. but tonight, everything changed and i was reminded of everything i’ve been trying to forget. i kind of just wish you’d text me or something. i don’t know why. i don’t want you anymore or want to be anything with you ever again. not even friends. i don’t know what i fucking want. i just want to be gone. i want to leave this shitty long island town and move the fuck on.
just when i thought i’m okay, i’m reminded that i’m not.
we got to choose what we wrote our final piece about, in any type of format.
i wrote a letter to martin. and i feel relieved now. i got out everything i wanted to say to him. of course, im not gonna give it to him. but it feels great to get everything that i wanted to say out on paper.
fuck
one day i’m fine and feel amazing, and then the next day it’s the total opposite.
yesterday i realized that i don’t need you anymore. and that i’ve moved on and that i don’t give a fuck about you and your girlfriend. but today, i’ve been listening to old songs that remind me of you and i have a craving for our past. it’s long gone, but i still don’t know how we let something so great fall apart so easily. we’re not meant to be; i know that, and i’ve accepted that. i don’t know how long your relationship with this girl will last, and i don’t really care. i just wish that one day in the future, we’ll see each other again and catch up on life and tell each other stories over a cup of coffee or something. i really do miss when you were in my life. not even necessarily as my boyfriend, just in general. i miss the comfort of sitting next to you or talking to you for hours about absolutely anything. but i can’t do that anymore. i’m sure your new girlfriend wouldn’t appreciate it, and i know you wouldn’t want it either.
i really am happy that you’re happy, even though i’m not what makes you happy anymore. i’m crying as i write this. i got rid of your letters, the ring you gave me, the teddy bear and your old cologne. i miss the sound of your voice and the way it felt when you’d hug me. but i know you’re not mine anymore. and part of me is okay with that, but the other part is torn up and even if i try to sew it back, it’ll still be frayed and tattered.
one day, i’ll see you again. and we can go on that lunch date or get coffee like i hope. my life does suck without you, and i know yours is completely fine without me. yes, i’ve moved on and realized that things are probably better like this.
but i still miss having you in my life more than you’d ever imagine.
that you and her are dating now. i’ve heard nothing but bad things about this little girl. first of all, she’s four years younger than you. i’m sure your mom will lo0o0o0ve that. and i’ve also heard that she’s a huge whore. so have fun trying to make this joke last.
i’m not even sad, that’s why i’m truly surprised. last time you got a new girlfriend, i was a miserably crying wreck. but i legitimately laughed when i found out.
the jokes on you this time, pal.
